fly with me to the darkside of the moon

sea-mist-sublime

Source: Shy-blue-eyes

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ijustwantyouforeverx

maxinsin asked:

Dear past me

let-yourself-live-again answered:

Dear past me,

I think I miss you. I miss your will to get to know everyone and everything around you. I miss your thoughts, because mine are too dark now. I miss your happiness, because now I find myself all alone at night wishing to be dead. But most of all, I miss the way you used to feel everything at once, without doubting yourself. Not even once.

It all started one night. When you realized that things are not as colorful as you thought. Sometimes you found yourself surrounded by nothing but dark colors that ended up fading the green in your eyes. Sometimes you found yourself surrounded by nothing but pain that ended up eating your soul alive. And I wish I could tell you that things changed, but now I’m not sure if I’m still breathing. I’m not sure of the colour of my eyes too, because it faded too much. But there is still one thing that survived, and it’s you.

I remember the first time you wrote your suicide letter. At least, you started it. But you realized that you didn’t know how to put your pain into words, you didn’t know how to make people feel the pain that you’ve been through so they can understand why you chose to take your own life. And you wanted them to get it. But you gave up. I’m glad you are still here. Because so many things happened, and you discovered a new passion. You met new people, even if you lost a lot of them in the meantime. You felt alive in some way, even if you died in a million other ways.

But I really think I need to let you go now. Because when I’m holding on to you, I’m holding on to my pain too.

Source: let-yourself-live-again

depressedanxietydeath

“Please, don’t let me get more attached to you, I can’t risk you leaving me and breaking me till there is nothing left of me.”

— Aletta S. (via depressedanxietydeath)

depressed-in-dusk

mydarrkmind

I’m afraid people gonna leave me because dealing with me and my sadness is too much.

Source: mydarrkmind

vrouwke

“Als iemand me vraagt hoe het met me gaat zou ik direct de waarheid willen zeggen Hoe slecht ik me voel, hoe alle simpele, dagdagelijkse dingen moeilijk zijn geworden en hoe zwaar mijn hoofd wel niet aanvoelt. Ik zou willen zeggen dat ik niet meer weet hoe ik mijn leven verder moet leven en dat ik eerder overleef ipv leef. Ik zou zelfs willen schreeuwen dat ik het allemaal niet meer wil en er het liefst een einde aan maak Maar ik zwijg en zeg dat het helemaal prima met me gaat.”

—

hopelozedromer

“HET GEVOEL VAN NIET KUNNEN, HET GEVOEL VAN TE MOE ZIJN, HET GEVOEL VAN NIKS MEER VOELEN. HET GEVOEL IN ME, HET GEVOEL DAT ME BEHEERST, HET GEVOEL DAT ME STOPT.”

— Depressie.

ijustwantyouforeverx

So let me just give up. Let me just stop trying. Let me just stop fighting.

Katelyn Tarver (via xbeautiful-mindx)

Source: xbeautiful-mindx

bloemetjeszoeker

De dag duurt weer zo lang
en ik voel me eenzaam en alleen
dus hou me even heel stevig vast
en sla zacht je armen om me heen

(via rakendewoordjes)

fightingbutterflies

Vraag me niet waarom het niet goed gaat, zeg geen woord, kom gewoon wat dichterbij en knuffel me. Ook al knuffel ik je op dat moment niet terug, laat me niet los.

(via ga-mee-verdwalen)

Source: ga-mee-verdwalen

tussenhaakjesin

Het spijt me dat ik niet veel praat. Dat ik altijd zo afwezig ben en niet genoeg toon dat ik van jullie hou. Het spijt me oprecht, maar ik probeer jullie te laten wennen aan een ik die er niet meer zal zijn. Als ik nu al afwezig ben, dan merken jullie het verschil vast niet eens. En toch spijt het me, want ik hou oprecht van jullie, maar zelfs als ik probeer aanwezig te zijn dan dwaal ik even snel weer af naar dat donkere plekje in mijn hoofd. Ik haat mezelf ervoor.
(Wat ben ik toch een slechte zus, dochter, vriendin. Het spijt me.)

ikwilschuilen

“Wil je me vasthouden wanneer het me allemaal teveel wordt? Wanneer het donker wordt in mij en ik dreig terug te vallen in verkeerde gewoontes? Maar vooral wanneer ik je nodig heb.”

— wil je me vasthouden? (via vaagtaalgebruik)

Source: vaagtaalgebruik

im-more-than-just-sad spiltlove

spiltlove

what I told the doctor the tenth time.

this body is burning and there aren’t any smoke alarms and I am ok with burning. I tell him it’s ok to let me burn. I tell him there’s been a drought for so long that the forest fire inside of me was inevitable. I tell him I have grown used to burning. have grown used to the way it feels that I don’t know who I am without it. if I am not the girl on fire, than who am I? the girl drowning? I tell him no, I’d rather burn than drown. I tell him who wants to drown? I tell him I’ve spent so long without air that I forget to breathe now. I tell him I’ve spent so long drowning that the fire is welcome.

he asks me what’s so wrong with drowning?

I tell him drowning is not like coming home, prior to contrary belief. I tell him drowning is waiting for something that’s never going to come. I tell him drowning isn’t fighting. I tell him it’s the fear of burning. I tell him I’d rather fight for my destruction than wait around for it to come. I tell him I am angry and I am burning and I will not go back to drowning. I will not return to being that helpless girl again. I tell him too many people hurt me while I was drowning and maybe that’s what ignited my fire.

he asks me who hurt me?

and I ask him who hasn’t? I could write you a list of names but I would never stop writing. I tell him the person that’s hurt me the most is me and I cannot run from that. I cannot continue to hide from that. I tell him to let me burn. let me fucking burn. I tell him it’s better this way. I tell him do not extinguish me. I will not go back to drowning. I will not allow the water back into my lungs. I will no longer feel that agony.

he asks isn’t burning agony?

I say isn’t everything?

he says, but more so this?

I say maybe but it’s a different agony. my body is fire and I engulf the ones that touch me but it’s safer for me here. safer than when I was drowning. I will not go back to drowning.

he asks me if I am scared.

I tell him isn’t everyone? in their own way, isn’t everyone scared?

he tells me no. not everyone.

I tell him yes. everyone.

he tells me he cannot let me keep burning. something’s going to give one day and he cannot let it be me.

I say let it be me. I’ve done my time. I’m ok if it’s me.

he tells me it doesn’t work that way. tells me he has to take my armor away. that he has to stop the burning. that he promises to keep me from drowning.

I tell him to fuck off but he does it anyways. douses the flames. gives me pills instead. gives me sutures instead. gives me a inpatient stay instead.

and I wonder if this is how the angels felt when they fell from heaven with wings ripped away from them. my destruction was my wings. and he had held me down and stripped me bare and sent me away.

I go back to drowning.

(I could write you a list of names but I would never stop writing)

See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

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